The Representative’s Representative
The machines surrounded him. Not one stood still, clattering back and forth on dozens of slim, sharp limbs. Metal arms protruded from the core, waving menacingly in the air. He was trapped on all sides.
A sharp pain cut into his arm. A slim metal rod protruded from his flesh. Robson pulled the thing out as his legs wobbled and he fell to the ground, unconscious.
He woke in a cavernous and empty room. There were only bare metal walls, curving up to the ceiling. Robson realized he was naked as he got up.
The alien ship had broadsided him, latching on like a tick and digging into the hull. The machines came swarming in and he was defenseless. He expected to die, but the fact that he was alive offered little comfort.
“Is anyone there?” he shouted, his voice echoing in the chamber.
He looked for a door but could see none, no seams in the walls, no vents for air. It was a cell.
#
Robson heard the clinking of metal on metal, and turned to see an opening in the walls. The machines poured in as he backed away into the opposite side. They fanned out, but did not approach him as footsteps sounded outside.
A man came in. But… no, not a man: another machine, a humanoid robot with a delicate face and long flowing hair, dressed in a sharp suit.
“Jolly good day, fella!” the droid’s voice echoed in the chamber, far too cheery.
“Who are you?” Robson whispered.
The robot walked over to him, his face glistening and smooth.
“I am a representative, of course. Or, well, a representative for the representative. Or is there another one? Maybe I need my own representative, considering how confused you look. Does your mouth always hang open like that?”
“Ok…” Robson said, making a conscious effort to close his gaping mouth. “A representative. For an advanced alien civilization.”
“Oh, no. Your species must have a very low mental threshold,” the robot poked him in the chest with a slim finger. “Did you not understand? I am the representative’s representative, but the representative does the representing.”
Robson bit down his already growing frustration.
“But you are representing him, right? What do you want with me?”
“Oh, quite simple, my simple guy. We need directions to your home planet.”
#
“Forget it,” Robson said, backing away. “I’m not telling you anything.”
“You are not? That is disappointing. I thought we were buddies!” the robot raised a hand for a high-five.
“Buddies?” Robson shouted. “You boarded a peaceful exploration vessel, took me hostage, and now want to know where Earth is? Buddies?!”
“Aw, we can’t be friends?”
“Put me back in my ship, close the hole you blew in my hull, then we’ll be friends.”
“I am afraid I can’t do that, the ship is being studied as we speak. It’s an odd thing, so many wires and knobs, bits and dabs, things and thingamabobs. Your origin cannot be too far.”
“It’s a big galaxy,” Robson said. “You’ll spend centuries looking. They’ll know by then.”
“Centuries? No, my boy. It is elemental, you see. You are still traveling below light-speed, it must be sooo boring. Oh! Hang on,” the robot put up one hand, palm out, mimicking a phone call with the other. “I got great news, Robson. We found it, we found Earth. Aren’t you glad?” he reached out and petted Robson on the head.
Robson sagged, sliding down to the floor.
It was all his fault.
#
“Oh, cheer up, little puppy,” the robot crouched down in front of him. “How about I give you a little treat, huh? A little snack?”
One of the spider-looking robots came clattering in, dozens of arms bunched together, barely holding a pile of goop that dripped onto the floor. The robot stood over him, and let it all fall to the ground, splashing all over.
“See? Doesn’t it look delicious?” the humanoid pointed at the grey mush. “Come on, be a good boy.”
Robson glowered at him, but his stomach rumbled. He dipped a finger in the warm mush, lifting it up to his nose. It smelled like rotten rice. He wiped his finger on the robot’s frame, smearing it.
“If you already know where Earth is, and seemingly everything else, why do you need me? Just let me go.”
“That would hardly be appropriate, we can’t just chuck you out into space, can we? What would the representative think of that representation? Oh, no. After much dilly-dallying, the representative has decided you shall represent me in representing your species to your world’s representatives. Isn’t that wonderful?”
“It’s… whatever… How long are you going to keep me locked up in here?”
“Locked? The door is open, silly,” the robot pointed to the door. “Would you like to see the zoo?”
#
The corridor opened up in a sprawling cavern. From above, a sun shone bright and warm, trickling between the leaves of towering trees. They were Earth trees, and plants and grass… even a river meandered its way between rocks. In the sky, birds flitted between branches, singing softly.
“You built this?” Robson asked in a whisper.
“Your spacecraft is quite dirty, you know? You really need to do some mopping once in a while. So many creepy crawlies…” the robot shivered.
“Look, this is impressive, it is… incredible. These trees look centuries old…”
“Oh, only a few hours, really. You slept quite a bit, we might have miscalculated the dose, but you don’t seem to be too damaged, so that is quite a happy ending wouldn’t you say?”
Robson bit down his anger.
“And the zoo you were going to show me?”
The robot tapped Robson’s forehead with a finger. “Oh my, maybe you are damaged. This is the zoo. This,” the robot said each word carefully and loudly. “Is. The. Zoo.”
“What do you mean, you freaking…” Robson took a deep calming breath. Then realization finally landed. “My zoo… I’m the exhibit.”
“Of course. How else would the representative observe you in your natural habitat? Your databases are incomplete, we need to document you. Oh, that’s a good idea, a documentary! Maybe I can narrate it?” the robot's voice changed, deep and smooth. “In the deep jungles of the ship, the solitary human…”
Robson stopped listening.
#
He found a cabin, hidden behind bushes and equipped with everything he needed. The food was no longer slop, but fruits and even meat. But the zoo was a perfect prison, much smaller than it first seemed. The walls were some kind of screen, giving the illusion of unbroken horizons.
He had been left alone, wandering the forest in circles with only his thoughts for company. Robson was bored out of his mind.
“Great news!” the robot’s voice shouted from behind him and Robson jumped in surprise. “We have finally reached Earth. Such an inconvenient location, you should consider moving.”
“Now what?” Robson asked. “You bombard us from orbit?”
“Don’t be silly! Now you represent me in representing the representative in his representation, of course.”
The robot handed him a stack of papers.
Robson read the first page: a list of regulations. He flipped through the document, skimming the contents. It was a list of fines: pollution of orbits, unauthorized use of shipping lanes, unsanctioned conflicts, the list went on and on.
“What the hell is this?” Robson asked.
“Why, it’s the matter of representation. Look how naughty you have been. Very impressive,” the robot handed him another piece of paper. “Your representative to the Galactic Council needs to sign this, confirmation of receiving the fines.”
“Besides me, no one even knows there is a Galactic Council. We don’t even know the laws we are supposedly breaking!”
“Oh my, that is most serious,” the robot grabbed the papers from his hand. “We’ll need to add another fine.”
